Why "Sugared Lemons"?

A punnet of raspberries, flora, bread and chicken pieces sit alongside several boxes of various cereals and a phone.
All scattered across my desk.

It might seem like an odd breakfast, or a strange sort of lunch. Except that it's quarter past eleven in the evening, and in the middle of all of the food, there's a pair of kitchen scales, ready and waiting to weigh out the exact quantities for tomorrow.
Enter my life.

You might be wondering why I named this blog, "Sugared Lemons" - despite the obvious reference to food, which will feature here, it's two words that sum up me right now. The sharp acidic taste of the lemons represents the things I find harsh, but addictive, whereas the sugar is the sweet (but guilty) moments. Ok, ok, I know. It's a bit cheesy and over the top, but hopefully you'll forgive me!

I'm currently a student at university, in my first year. I've always had problems with body image, and have had a few brief but minor episodes in the past where I've restricted, usually over a couple of weeks but no more. Nothing serious.
However, since leaving home, my obsession with my body has taken me from a healthy cooking mindset, to joining a gym. Not so bad, except for the fact that in November, I started going less and less (eventually quitting after Christmas), as my energy levels were dropping. Why? I'd begun restricting my food. This has become worse since December, and it's now uncommon for me to have more than two meals a day, averaging around 600 to 700 calories maximum.

I know this is unhealthy, and I hate the fact that my shoulders are all skin and bone. But being responsible for my own food has driven me to start this insane obsession, and I just can't stop. Every day is calculated, and if I want something 'naughty', it has to be the only thing I eat all day. Restaurants are out of the question unless I can find their nutritional info online, and there are chocolate bars sitting in my fridge, untouched, that I bought back in October. Sitting on my shelf is a Lindt reindeer from Christmas, also intact.

Now this may seem weird after all that, but I have an incredible sweet-tooth. Self confessed chocoholic, I could practically live off the stuff, I love it so much. Back at home, I happily consumed up to two bars a day when working in the operating theatres, happily ate those gorgeous muffins from the bakery, happily scooped ice cream onto my mother's gorgeous cakes and bakes. It's just that it never finds its way into my mouth these days. My room is filled with various goodies I've hoarded. I hate this inability to eat the things that I crave, hate the fact I can't consider anything I don't know the calorie content of, hate the fact that I weigh out everything in minute detail, calculating, planning, obsessing.

I am not anorexic, or bulimic. Yes, I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and although I've attempted to recover whenever I go home, (my mum's cooking being very persuasive), as soon as I return to university I slide back into this again. I wish my flatmates or lecture buddies would say something, notice, so that I could finally get the kick up the arse I need to return to a normal way of thinking again. This brick wall between my hand and my mouth has to go, or I'll go insane. This is why I'm writing this blog - as a way of venting my innermost thoughts that I cannot speak, and hopefully as a way of bringing myself to recovery, through daring myself to review delicious food, puddings, and pushing myself to try out recipes. To try to bring the fun back into it all. This is not pro-ana, and if you are looking for that sort of material, I seriously suggest you stop. Not eating enough brings a huge range of health problems, destroys your mood, relationships, and work. Obsessing over it constantly is not fun, and the carefree way of life is so much better. Enjoy it, and don't sink into these ways, please!

So now you'll probably understand the title of this blog a bit more, and why I sign with the name bittersweet. My relationship with food is just that - I love it, but I can't seem to bring it from the plate to my mouth without intensive planning beforehand.

Onto reviews and recovery!